“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
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Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast