It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
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[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap