Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
You Might Also Like
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.