mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
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Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Meanwhile in Portland…
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.