I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
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Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.