Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
You Might Also Like
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.