My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
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twitter users today:
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Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
He’s cranky this morning
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My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
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[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
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ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.