[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
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3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Hard not to take this personally
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Practicing safe sax
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I’ve been learning to cook.