me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
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Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.