According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
You Might Also Like
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
This is painfully accurate 😅
BETRAYAL
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?