I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
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If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van