Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
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A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
his wife is probably gonna see that
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit