I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
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Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.