RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
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“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
The answer is funnier than the question
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.