All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
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Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.