‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
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Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)