8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.