If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
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One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.