Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
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Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”