My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
You Might Also Like
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
I know this now 😂
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I needed a laugh this morning.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
LA today:
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?