A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
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“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Those are good neighbors.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT