You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
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Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo