the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
You deplete me
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position