And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
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Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Does this dress make me look cat?
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school