[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
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Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.