I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
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Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers