Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
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My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.