Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
You Might Also Like
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!