Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
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ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Breaking news:
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”