When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
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I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch