A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
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I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?