@Smooheed

We couldn’t just…..find their homes?

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@a_simpl_man

If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.

@sarcasticmommy4

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!

What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.

@ItsAndyRyan

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

@KylePlantEmoji

ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit

@sweetcrazyweird

Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.

@SortaSarcastic

Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.

@AlmightyBored

During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.

@envydatropic

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

@timdonakowski

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.