We couldn’t just…..find their homes?

You Might Also Like


If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.


What I said:

What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.


Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’


ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit


Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.


Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.


During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.


If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.


Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.