If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
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What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!
What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
the official breakfast of 2021
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.