[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
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We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Ron is short for Aaronald
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Guys, I found it.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.