hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
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Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…