If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
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Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
figuring out my emotional availability:
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.