Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
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Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”