I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
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When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition