I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
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genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.