I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
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Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok