My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
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So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.