My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
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We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-
She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.
I know this now.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Better names for porcupines:
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”