Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
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[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.