I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
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We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Y’all know who you are.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.