Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
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I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think