March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
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Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.