My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
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When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait