Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
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If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?