Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
You Might Also Like
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin