I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
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There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
what’s the point then??
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not