I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
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My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
honestly, i need both:
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Just as the prophecy foretold
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
WWE is French for “yes”
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.