I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
You Might Also Like
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Sending in my taxes
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.