me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
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I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY