Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
You Might Also Like
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other